I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
