Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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