Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Randomize
