remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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