so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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