kristin has been a bad kristin
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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