Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I can't turn off my feet"
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
If I die, sorry about rent.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
