I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
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