She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
