I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
