btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
