discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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