Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
