i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Be still, my beating vagina.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
