Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
