got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
