You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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