life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
