I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
it was like having sex with a tree stump
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
