okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
