there's paper in my vomit.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
