he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
