As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We are all done wearing pants today
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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