he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
