She just used a chaser for red wine.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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