I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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