Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
