The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm just crazy horny about you
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
