Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
not ubering you a puppy
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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