the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
