Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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