is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
