I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
