dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
