Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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