I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
everyone is single if you try hard enough
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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