Betty ford says i'm here all night
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
