at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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