You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
