I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
