I think my fart just growled at me.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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