dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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