i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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