You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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