i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
