This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
