yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
