I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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