Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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