Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
