If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
