I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
